Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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