I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
