my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize