Im at strip club and am horny
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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