Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
