Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize