when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
So many bounce houses so little time
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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