oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
