So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
