Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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