This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
