So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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