YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
