true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Welp...herpes.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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