Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
