Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
