The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
