Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
