It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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