I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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