Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
