He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
