I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
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For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
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What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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