We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
