Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
