I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Someone signed my nipple.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
