Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
