good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
