i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I FOUND THE LEGS
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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