Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
