So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
