I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
