saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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