This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
