So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
