I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
