Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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