i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Randomize
