I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
