So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
