we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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