you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
tonight lets celebrate not being married
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a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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