Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
