Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
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You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
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Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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