Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
