i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
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