I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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