I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
