i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
