If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
