I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
