this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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