just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
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So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
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is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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