why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
