Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
