Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
