Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
