i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
