Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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