I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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